Gopher War

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I thought if I went to war with the gophers that I would be able to drive them out of my yard. I found the gophers were much smarter than I had anticipated. Here’s the story.

 

 

 

Gopher War

 

For a year after I moved to Arroyo Verde in Fritch, Texas, in 1970, I fertilized and watered my lawn and I had a manicured lawn that looked awesome. I came home from work one day and there was a big mound of dirt right in the middle of my front yard. I went over and looked at it and there was a hole right in the middle of the mound. I recalled that movie called “Caddy Shack” where Bill Murray went to war with the Gopher at the golf course and I decided to try some of his techniques.

 

You buck toothed fur ball, you’re going down.

 

 

 

I got some cheery bomb firecrackers and dropped a couple down the hole thinking that would surely kill him. I then covered the hole washed the dirt away with the hose. Two days later, I came home from work and there were three fresh mounds of dirt in my front yard. I looked at them and decided to drown the little yard destroyer. I filled all the holes with water and kept filling them up as it soaked in. Then I covered the holes and washed the dirt in again. The Next day there were three more mounds, so I stopped by Popular Supply and bought three gopher traps that you set over the open hole. If they stick their heads out of the hole they tripped a spring loaded sharp spike that penetrated into the hole and stabbed the gopher. After a couple of weeks of trying, I gave up on the traps and bought me a pump up BB gun and sat out in the front yard all day Saturday in a lawn chair with a six pack of beer and a portable tape player waiting for one of the gophers to stick his head out. I didn’t see hide nor hair of a gopher. I finally gave up and just washed the mounds away with the hose when one showed up. Being bested by furry little asshole gophers worked on me some, but I lived with it. I do recall that Bill Murray got bested too in the movie.

 

Look what you did to my front yard you furry asshole gopher.

 

 

I did find a use for the BB gun. My neighbor had a big brown bird dog that he let out to run once a day at the same time in the evening. The dog headed straight for my yard and dumped a load of crap on my yard. His turds were an inch in diameter and 6 inches long. I would stick the BB gun out the bedroom window when he started to hunch up to crap, and pop him in the butt with a BB. The dog would jump about 2 feet straight up and high tail it. After about three times, he never came back again!

 

Ok Brownie, get ready for a BB shot to the butt. You better squeeze that turd back inside.

 

 

 

Thanks for reading Gopher War,
Bill